Guilty

I am a mess of emotions today. It was one of those days where I just didn't want to get out of bed and face life. On more than one occasion this semester I have wanted to just drop out of school. Not because it's hard or I can't do it, but because I don't want to do it. But that would be stupid considering it's my last semester of classes.
I just don't know what to do to bring myself out of this funk. I have so much to look forward to, and yet I can't seem to look forward. As I said in my last post, a lot of people have passed away in the last year. None of them were immediate family, especially nothing like it being my own child, and yet everyday I think about them. I don't feel like I have a right to grieve like this and I feel guilty for even saying it because I know two mothers who have to deal with the fact that they lost a child everyday, and I have nothing like that grief.
Then again, there's the whole pregnant thing. These hormones can take a flying leap anytime now. I can literally go from laughing to crying in seconds.
LifeTeen has been stressful and I guess that's not helping matters. I feel like I contribute a good portion to that group, but there are people that live in the past or step on people's toes that we contend with. Our retreat is coming up this weekend and as much as I know it will be a great retreat for the teens, I'm already planning in my head what certain people will do to piss me off. LOL Worse yet, I'm planning how I will react. Isn't that awful? Then again, ask me in 5 minutes and I'll feel differently. For God's sake I feel like Sybil.
On the good side of things, I quit my job at the bank. WOOHOO! I am also getting more students. So hopefully the lack of money from the bank won't be quite as painful. I'm looking forward to spring as well. I think part of my funk has been the lack of sunshine, so I'm looking forward to sun and taking walks outside. My big plan for exercise took a nose dive, as did my plan to eat healthier. I took the "eating for two" theory to a whole new level.
I need to somehow have a daily reminder that I can't live like that. I need to take control now because God knows I've learned that life can be taken in a flash. And I don't want the reason I go early to be that I didn't take care of my health when I had the chance.
Ok, enough whining and feeling sorry for myself. This is Sybil, signing off.

The best laid plans...

I realize it's been a while since my last post, but my friend, Sarah, inspired me today. ;-) It has been a tough year. I'm not talking about 2010, but just the last year of my life. Granted, I got married and that was the most wonderful day of my life, but it seems our life after that was filled with funerals for people who died too young.
In July my friend, Nicole, lost her battle with cancer. In September my nephew's mom was hit by a drunk driver in a Wal-Mart parking lot. In November my friends Sarah and Darrin lost their little Henry unexpectedly. In January an old friend, Laurie, also lost her battle with cancer. And two weeks ago 4 of our teens were in a horrible car accident, and we lost Natalie. After Natalie's death, I freaked out a little, wondering what was going to hit next. Amongst all this sadness, Jonathan and I found out that we're going to have a baby in October, but I didn't believe it. Despite the multiple (yep, I took 12) pregnancy tests along with the blood test from the doctor, I still didn't believe I was pregnant. My thought was "bad things keep happening, so this won't last." I know it sounds pessimistic and a little pathetic, but when things happen that don't make sense, it's very hard to be rational about them.
On Thursday of last week, I had my first ultrasound and my worries were laid to rest. There on the screen I saw my tiny baby whose heart was beating 182 beats a minute. I'm a musician and have heard a lot of beautiful things in my life, but nothing compares to the sound of my baby's heart. As wonderful as it was, I am still struggling to believe in the good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around every day waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I have a constant and secret anxiety about the bad things that will happen next. I have so much to look forward to and all I can do right now is place everything in God's hands and trust Him.
On Friday I was having a conversation with my manager at work about God. He doesn't really know what he believes and he was questioning me about how I can believe. He said that he thinks the people who "believe blindly" and believe in God for comfort in grief are weak. I looked at him and said, "Matt, I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life. But I don't believe in God because of them. I believe in God in spite of them."