I realize it's been a while since my last post, but my friend, Sarah, inspired me today. ;-) It has been a tough year. I'm not talking about 2010, but just the last year of my life. Granted, I got married and that was the most wonderful day of my life, but it seems our life after that was filled with funerals for people who died too young.
In July my friend, Nicole, lost her battle with cancer. In September my nephew's mom was hit by a drunk driver in a Wal-Mart parking lot. In November my friends Sarah and Darrin lost their little Henry unexpectedly. In January an old friend, Laurie, also lost her battle with cancer. And two weeks ago 4 of our teens were in a horrible car accident, and we lost Natalie. After Natalie's death, I freaked out a little, wondering what was going to hit next. Amongst all this sadness, Jonathan and I found out that we're going to have a baby in October, but I didn't believe it. Despite the multiple (yep, I took 12) pregnancy tests along with the blood test from the doctor, I still didn't believe I was pregnant. My thought was "bad things keep happening, so this won't last." I know it sounds pessimistic and a little pathetic, but when things happen that don't make sense, it's very hard to be rational about them.
On Thursday of last week, I had my first ultrasound and my worries were laid to rest. There on the screen I saw my tiny baby whose heart was beating 182 beats a minute. I'm a musician and have heard a lot of beautiful things in my life, but nothing compares to the sound of my baby's heart. As wonderful as it was, I am still struggling to believe in the good. Don't get me wrong, I'm not moping around every day waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I have a constant and secret anxiety about the bad things that will happen next. I have so much to look forward to and all I can do right now is place everything in God's hands and trust Him.
On Friday I was having a conversation with my manager at work about God. He doesn't really know what he believes and he was questioning me about how I can believe. He said that he thinks the people who "believe blindly" and believe in God for comfort in grief are weak. I looked at him and said, "Matt, I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life. But I don't believe in God because of them. I believe in God in spite of them."