Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I am a mess of emotions today. It was one of those days where I just didn't want to get out of bed and face life. On more than one occasion this semester I have wanted to just drop out of school. Not because it's hard or I can't do it, but because I don't want to do it. But that would be stupid considering it's my last semester of classes.
I just don't know what to do to bring myself out of this funk. I have so much to look forward to, and yet I can't seem to look forward. As I said in my last post, a lot of people have passed away in the last year. None of them were immediate family, especially nothing like it being my own child, and yet everyday I think about them. I don't feel like I have a right to grieve like this and I feel guilty for even saying it because I know two mothers who have to deal with the fact that they lost a child everyday, and I have nothing like that grief.
Then again, there's the whole pregnant thing. These hormones can take a flying leap anytime now. I can literally go from laughing to crying in seconds.
LifeTeen has been stressful and I guess that's not helping matters. I feel like I contribute a good portion to that group, but there are people that live in the past or step on people's toes that we contend with. Our retreat is coming up this weekend and as much as I know it will be a great retreat for the teens, I'm already planning in my head what certain people will do to piss me off. LOL Worse yet, I'm planning how I will react. Isn't that awful? Then again, ask me in 5 minutes and I'll feel differently. For God's sake I feel like Sybil.
On the good side of things, I quit my job at the bank. WOOHOO! I am also getting more students. So hopefully the lack of money from the bank won't be quite as painful. I'm looking forward to spring as well. I think part of my funk has been the lack of sunshine, so I'm looking forward to sun and taking walks outside. My big plan for exercise took a nose dive, as did my plan to eat healthier. I took the "eating for two" theory to a whole new level.
I need to somehow have a daily reminder that I can't live like that. I need to take control now because God knows I've learned that life can be taken in a flash. And I don't want the reason I go early to be that I didn't take care of my health when I had the chance.
Ok, enough whining and feeling sorry for myself. This is Sybil, signing off.

No comments: