Sunday, August 7, 2011

*sigh* Here we go again...

I've started to blog and stopped and started and stopped many a time, and lately I've found that's a pattern in my life with a lot of things. So here we go again...
In general, my life is good. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. I will, God-willing, have a new job soon and things will hopefully be looking up in the way of finances. But I'm not happy. At least not in the way a person should be happy. I have happy moments and I can have fun, but overall, there's a lot of numbness. I have been on a medicaiton for a few months that makes me extremely lethargic and makes me gain weight (yeah, that's what I need). I have made an appointment to change it, but of course, there's the month-long wait to get in. In the mean time, my husband has told me that I haven't been myself in a very long time. I used to be motivated and energetic and I haven't been for a couple of years, at least. So then I started thinking maybe I should be seeing someone on a regular basis. So now it's about therapy.
To make a long story short, what I've realized is that I have allowed depression to be my crutch for not dealing with issues I have. What's funny, is most people I know do it the other way around; they use their issues to avoid dealing with depression. Anyway, my "issues" that I want/need to address are: an unhealthy relationship to food (an addiciton, if you will), an addition to TV because that is how I escape the constant motion of my mind, the reluctance/unwillingness to finish things I start, a HUGE fear of rejection...etc. There are so many things I want to do, but never start, or if I do, never finish. My mind is constantly running (which also has to do with anxiety issues I need to deal with) and I actually picture myself doing many things but never do them. I will sit on the couch and literally picture myself cleaning the dining room table off, but I never actually get off the couch to do it. I have wanted to start blogging, I want to finish my thesis, I want to clean my house, I want to start an opera company, I want to write a book... but none of it will ever get done if I don't address the core of what's stopping me. And I honestly have no idea what that is, but I'm hoping to find out.
So here's to starting a new journey to "find myself". I know that sounds cliche, and my husband gave me some quote last night that basically said finding yourself is useless or unnecessary or something, but I really do feel lost. And as far as my husband goes, he tries, but he just doesn't get it. He wants to fix it, and he can't and I don't want him to.
In my heart, I know my values and what I believe, but I don't know what I want. That may seem selfish (as my husband said, in our situation, does what you want matter? He said this with a disclaimer and it was not as insensitive as it sounds in writing) but yes, it does matter. As I told him, he's a father, a teacher, a brother, and a husband, but he also has his own thing. He goes out and gigs at least once a week and that's all him. I need to find what is all me. The thing that sets me apart after I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, etc. The thing that's just me and is all mine.

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